"You could actually hear the snap..."

My accident as I remember it

At the time of writing I currently have a good friend waiting in hospital to get pins removed from her ankle which she broke a while ago, which reminds me of the time I broke my leg and had my last stay in hospital.

For my friend it was during a practice session with her Roller Derby team.  If you've not seen roller derby it is a fiercely competitive roller skating team sport, which at no time have I ever jokingly referred to as "Lesbians on casters".

The accident, on all accounts, happened because a team member performing an action sloppily during the practice, causing her to fall awkwardly.  There is a similarity in my tale in that my accident happened whilst playing football, but dissimilar in that it was entirely my fault.

I should point out that this was five-a-side, not a proper team set-up.  No football team would have me.  In fact when I was young and had hair (yes, that was a very, very long time ago), I was referred to as "David Beckham's evil twin", in that I had bleached blond hair in a centre parting, but had zero ability on the ball.  Passing, dribbling, shooting, I was terrible at them all.

I'm such the opposite to David Beckham in fact that my girlfriend can actually sing.  That's how dissimilar we are!

During play, after being let out of goal momentarily (my natural position due to my flair of taking up space) I went in to a tackle.  Standing on the ball I tripped over and my foot was stuck planted in a standing position whilst my entire weight sent my body over.

You could actually hear the snap.  Closely followed by the sucking of air through the teeth of the other players and sounds which were a mixture of sympathy and nausea.

One of my friends said "don't worry, it's probably just a strain."  Looking down my leg was at a right angle starting just above my ankle.  Needless to say, he wasn't a trained medic.

999 was called, and I was told an ambulance was on it's way.  Now, I can't remember exactly how long it took, but it was a while.  Yes, I was in pain, but I was going to live so I wasn't a  priority. 

It didn't help with the wait in that the five-a-side court was in Moss Side.  Every time we heard a siren we thought it was for me, but no, that's just the soundtrack to the area.  In fact the wait was that long that the guys who had booked the court after us, after initially showing sympathy for my cause, decided to just play round me.

Eventually of course an ambulance did come to scoop me off the floor, and gas and air were administered.  This is probably the only time in my life that I recall experiencing a Hollywood film style drug experience.

It killed the pain which was lovely, but whenever I talked my voice in my head sounded like it was intensely deep.  I kept asking the paramedics if my voice sounded weird, and they kept saying no, in a tone that suggested they thought I was weird.

Talking of drug experiences I was given morphine in the hospital.  Now, many people I know think this was great, but all I remember was feeling a bit fuzzy, not having the attention span to read, and not having a shit for a week.  Is this what powered the counter-culture in the 1960's, freedom from defecating??

In hospital, doped up

I stayed in hospital for 6 days whilst I had an operation to put a nail through my tibia, which is the larger of the two bones going from your knee to your ankle.

The support I received was very welcome.  Friends came to visit me bringing DVDs, books and sweets, and my Mum took time off work especially to come up and look after me.

Staying at my flat whilst I remained in hospital she inevitably cleaned every inch of the place.  Visiting one day she explained that she'd sorted through all my unpacked boxes of CDs and DVDs and did note that she'd found one or two "adult" videos, but that's fine because I'm an adult now.

This is the sort of news that makes your spine itch from embarrassment, so I should be thankful that I was doped up at the time.

Once out of hospital my Mum gave me a guided tour of my own home to explain where everything was now.  This included the set of shelves in my room (note - before I went in hospital, I didn't own a set of shelves).  On display were all my books, CDs and DVDs, all neat, tidy and in correct order.

I was somewhat surprised to notice on one DVD spine what looked like the act of fellatio.  I shouldn't have been, of course, because that's exactly what it was.  That's right, my Mum had put my porn collection out with the rest of the videos.

Whilst intensely embarrassing, at least I could appreciate the humour that my anal DVDs were now in alphabetical order.  Humour is the best medicine, I suppose.