Meditation, mindfulness and my naughty chimp

I am a dreadful procrastinator.  By which, I suppose, I should mean I'm a really good procrastinator.

A bad procrastinator, when faced with any given task, would completely fail to get distracted or sidetracked.  They wouldn't put off any difficult tricky jobs in their life, but instead would just get on with them.  Completely failing to waste their time - a woeful performance if you want to be a pro level procrastinator.

I, however, am excellent at wasting my time.  Before writing this blog, for instance, I have spent at least 30 minutes on Facebook clicking on random links to funny videos, etc.  I've checked my emails, completed the washing up, lots of things that are not on my 'to-do' list.

And I enjoy writing my blogs.  The key though, is that it is a task that takes some effort, and my mind is desperate to distract me.  It wants to distract me for a number of reasons, one of which is that if I put a piece of creative work out there for people to view, I open myself up to criticism.

A part of my brain is there to try and help me, to protect me from harm.  The problem is, it doesn't know the difference between me publishing a blog and me going up to a Tiger and tapping it on the nose with my wang.

It senses danger and it wants me to flee.  Another part of my brain knows this and is fighting against it.  Concepts like this are covered in the book The Chimp Paradox by Prof Steve Peters.

Prof Peters is a consultant psychiatrist whose clients include Ronnie O'Sullivan, Victoria Pendleton and Steven Gerrard.  He has helped them understand the relationship between their 'chimp' with is the part of you that reacts emotionally, to their 'human' part, which is the part that reacts logically.

The sports stars he has seen have stated how much help he has given them.  It's just a shame Prof Peters never suggested to Gerrard that he could do with investing in less slippy boots!

The ideas he puts in the book is that you can't win by fighting your chimp, you have to learn to manage it.  You recognise in what ways you worry or feel bad.  You exercise your chimp, listen to it, and only then can you start to reason with it.

Chimp Mangement

When my chimp says "you shouldn't do a blog.  There are professional writers out there blogging who can do it a lot better, you'll just show yourself up.  People won't like it."  I shouldn't try to ignore it.  It is part of how I feel, of my worries.

What I can do is recognise how I feel in that sense and have space to think.  I can respond with "I've worried about that in the past, but I have published a number of blog posts and they get hundreds of views, and a number of people share them on social media, so they must enjoy reading them."

I believe mindfulness and meditation come within that same realm of thinking.

Mindfulness is focussing on how you are in the present moment.  It isn't dwelling on the past or worrying about the future.  The part of your brain that works when you worry or are stressed cannot work at the same time as the part of your brain that deals with the senses (sound, touch, smell, etc).

The brain can fluctuate between all those things of course, but if you take time to focus on the senses, this can help with mindfulness.  Taking time to sit and focus on your breathing for instance, or by taking in the sounds around you, this can all help.

Your brain will fight to go back to worry mode, but if you focus on those senses it can help alleviate the sensations of stress.  To anchor yourself.

This is essentially what meditation is as well.  I don't want to appear like a preachy expert here, because I'm not.  I've only recently taken up meditation, but I have found it beneficial.

Most people have a concept of what meditation is, but it's interesting the view points I've found from friends who haven't experienced it yet themselves.  Many have a tendency to think it isn't for them for a number of reasons.

Something that has come up a number of times is they think that in meditation you have to clear your mind completely, and they cannot imagine doing that.  Meditation isn't about clearing your mind and 'not thinking'.

There are various methods of doing meditation, but for the most part the main focus is that you spend time with your eyes closed and focus on your breathing.  Thoughts will come and go, and if you find yourself distracted, you pull your focus back to your breathing.

It isn't about denying thinking at all, but it is about focusing on your body, on your senses.  I find through doing meditation it helps me reach a clarity in my thought.  It helps me strip away some of the worry, and get to the root of what I am actually feeling.

Sometimes I find I'm having thoughts keep coming in to my head that I didn't even realise were there.  Say for instance I had a bad gig during the week (which happens to all comics at times).

I know logically that I should take lessons from such gigs, but that I shouldn't dwell on the negative.  Through meditation I will realise that I am in fact dwelling on one bad gig.  Having that at the surface helps me to deal with it better, otherwise it would be left buried, which is never a good thing.

After a while through meditation you get to control your mind and achieve a level of Zen.  With dedication you then begin to develop Shaolin Monk level kung-fu skills, and can learn to shoot a fireball from your stomach.

HADOUKEN!!

Well... maybe not.  It isn't a magic trick that makes everything right in your life, but it can help you to cope and manage your emotions better.

If you're interested in meditation I have used Head Space.  It's a website which provides guided meditations.  You pay to subscribe, but you can do 10 free sessions to try it out first.  There are also plenty of guided meditations available on YouTube.

If you live in Greater Manchester I have also done group sessions with Sadhana Yoga which have been very good.  Having an instructor you can actually talk to about your experiences of meditation can be very helpful.

As I say, meditation can help, but it doesn't automatically solve everything.  Last week I did a guided meditation in the morning before work.  I set it to be a 10 minute session, but it ran for 20 minutes without me realising, and that meant I was late for work.

There is nothing more ironic than suffering road rage as you race in to work knowing that it's meditation that has caused you to be so stressed in the first place!

Of course, I haven't let that put me off.

Creativity and fear - running from the fireball

A number of years ago, I saw the comedian Mark Steel at an event.  Instead of stand up, he was presenting one of his lectures at an event called 'Marxism', organised by the Socialist Workers Party.  'The Mark Steel lectures' had been a popular series on both radio and TV, in which Mark discussed leading figures from history, fusing the concepts of a factual lecture and stand up comedy wonderfully.

This particular lecture was about Einstein.  At one point Mark describes spending time in a cafe in Soho, trying to get his head around a particular theory.  Suddenly it clicks, and he wants to jump up and demand why everyone is just going about their normal day as if this theory didn't exist.

It was very funny, and I laughed.  After I laughed though, I realised something - this is what Mark Steel does with his days.  Whilst I was inputting data sat at a desk 9-5, Monday to Friday, he is sat in cafes in Soho considering theories espoused by leading historical physicists.  And I thought... that sounds brilliant!

Ok, I'm not particularly bothered about spending time pondering the theoretical sciences, but the idea that you could have your day free just to create was life changing.  I realised this is what I wanted to be able to do with my days too.

Since then I have spent a number of years as a stand up comedian, and in that time have also turned my hand to improvised comedy and writing (perhaps you've read my blog...).

Last week I took an improv workshop by the wonderful Jill Bernard.  One of the finest improvisers I have seen, Jill's workshop was titled 'Fireball theory'.  The workshop:

"offers exercises to help you improvise faster and harder than you can judge yourself. You will learn to metaphorically hit the scene running and outrun the explosion of self-loathing and doubt like an action movie hero outruns a fireball thus defying the laws of physics."

 The exercises taught us as a group to play big, play confident, and just go for it.  It was a real buzz.

The idea of outrunning the fireball was really interesting.  To me, that doesn't just apply to improv, but to all creative arts.

To many, creative expression can be terrifying.  There are people who potentially face the risk of death every day, like fire fighters, who can face going in to burning buildings that could collapse at any point but would hate the idea of having to stand on stage and say anything in to a microphone.

Honestly, I've spoken to people like that at gigs, and they say that I'm brave!!

There is fear, initially, but the buzz you get from making a room full of people laugh is amazing.  Your work and effort in writing and working on performing a set is paid off when people laugh.

But that's the thing... it is work.

It takes effort and it takes time.  And this is where the fireball comes in.  Through out the process, on stage and off, you have so many self-doubts.  Fears that creep in.  You have these fears because you give of yourself emotionally.

If you're doing data entry you have a certain rate you are expected to do.  As long as you do that, you're fine, and you keep your job.  Your awful, boring job.  Yes, it can be alienating, but you don't have to worry that the computer doesn't like you, or anything like that.  You are not giving yourself emotionally to the job.

Producing something creatively can be really scary.  You are saying to the world "hey everyone, here is something I've made.  Please judge me".

This fear can effect people in different ways.  For me, the biggest block I have is my procrastination.  That urge to do something, anything, apart from what I need to be doing.  Even whilst writing this blog I have had to resist the urge several times to check on Facebook or the BBC website for news.

I know this blog has a readership from the stats I get through blogger, and I know from feedback that there are people that enjoy it.  But I still get that fear.  Because this is all my own work.  it's not done in collaboration, it's all me.  As such, the belief I have in myself depends on work such as this.

This is the fireball.  It's a burning mass of self doubt.

Fear exists for a reason, it's your minds way of keeping you out of harm.  It makes perfect sense that you are cautious when crossing the road because if not you would get splatted.  Same thing if something suddenly jumps out at you.  Sure, it might turn out to be your cat, but if it was a crazed sex ninja, you'll be glad of that adrenaline rush that makes you run faster and get away.

Relax though, 'crazed sex ninjas' are rare.  Mostly.

Of course that's fine in situations in which physical peril is at least a possibility, but a bit dumb if you're just trying to tell a joke on stage.  The brain struggles to tell the two apart though, so that fear is here to stay.

What you learn though, with experience, is ways to ensure that you stay ahead of the fireball.

Sheer experience is probably the best one.  I have been on stage many hundreds of times now doing stand up.  Sometimes the experience can be horrible, but mostly it is fine.  Sometimes even amazing.  This means that when I go on stage I don't pretend that there isn't a possibility of it going badly, I just know that it probably won't.  Because normally it does go well.

Aside from being on stage, I have experience in different processes that I know pay dividends... eventually.

Writing comedy can be a real chore, and can involve hours of coming up with nothing but crap.  However, I know from experience that if I put the time in, I can produce good material.  I have to have that faith that the effort is worth it.

All the time I'm writing though a voice in my head is going "why are you spending time doing this?  This isn't any good.  You'll look stupid when you present it to others, and you'll have wasted this time.  Hey, why don't you go on Facebook instead..."

And often I do.  I will go on Facebook, then realise I'm wasting my time and get upset at myself for it.  Facebook is a devil, because it's sole reason to exist is to waste your time, and get you clicking on link, after link, after link.

And it's hard not to.  Seriously, I was reading an article on there the other day and in the corner of the screen was another link demanding my mouse click with the headline "robot roller-derby disco dodgeball is as amazing as you'd expect."

Good God!  I mean, if they hinted at a confusing dress colour and Madonna falling over that would be the most successful thing on the internet ever!

If I've learnt one thing, it's that if I am working I cannot go on Facebook.  Of course, if the only reason you're reading this blog is because you clicked on a link on Facebook... that's fine.  If anything, it's commendable.  Well done.

It's not really the fault of Facebook if I don't get work done, it is mine.  At the root of all my procrastinating is self-doubt.  If I am procrastinating I am letting self doubt take control.

Like with anything that takes work you have to think 'is this worth it?'

My audience, yesterday

Mark Steel gets to sit in cafes thinking about theoretical science because he earns a living that allows him to do it.  He earns a living by working hard and creating things that people want to watch, hear and experience.

If you are in an office all day you give of yourself 8 hours of labour each day.  That's if you're lucky and not in a particularly shitty job.  If you work in the creative field you still have to sell your labour, but in smaller chunks.

An article for a magazine here, booking a comedy gig there, teaching an improv workshop over here... etc, etc.  Instead of giving all of me to one employer, I give bite size chunks to lots of people.  It's like my working day is being torrented.  Downloading tiny bits of me from different sources to make up who I am.

The fear tries to stop you working.  It is the fireball that wants to burn you up.  If you give up though, you give up everything.  No more laughter, no more fun, no more expressing yourself in a meaningful way.

That's why you keep running from the fireball, because you know it's worth it.  As for the fear, you realise that it's good thing.  It's the fear that makes you run just fast enough.

Keep running.